Back west...

Well first of all I cannot believe it has been so long since I wrote.
so the new plan is back to Cali...yes, back. Not permanently but to save $. Money blows! Since none of the plans came through I made a back up plan. You always have to have a back up plan :) so I will be moving back to California till November or December. I will be living with my mother (oh my god!) and working full time. During that time I will get all my school paperwork done so when I come back everything (ideally) will be in order. I will then have enough $ to live alone, yeah!, and go to school. I don't want to live with a stranger, been there done that it sucks! So I have a week to see the schools I'm considering and the apartments that I would most likely be able to afford. That way I can rent sight unseen and be set. I'm freakin' nuts! The good thing is that I'm pretty sure I will live and go to school here and I wanted to go back and get my stuff anyway. Its such a sad thought at 29 years old looking at living with a stranger not even with a bed... you know? To depressing. This way the place will be mine and I can walk around naked if I choose. I'm a person who needs my comfort... I want all my pictures and clothes, etc. I will be going to school 30 hours a week and working probably the same so I will need my peace at home. So the mission is to by January 1, 2007 I will have completely relocated to Connecticut and started school. By the time I turn 30, which is march 2007, I will be able to see the light at end of the tunnel. Fingers crossed.
goals by Jan. 2007:
save $3000
move fully to CT.
have my own place
be in school
drop 30 pounds...W.W. and gym
and feel more secure with myself... more might be added?
Anyway, in less than a week I will again be hitting the road.
This time I will enjoy myself more. I might do route 66? I'm going to plan it better so I can see places along the way. I've always wanted to do a good roadtrip and this is my chance. I've got my camera and some maps... what all cool stuff is out there?
I might give myself two weeks... we'll see. I really want to see a bunch of weird roadside sights... you know like the largest ball of yarn and all that. That is what I am doing today... mapping out my route.
It will be good! This is the first time I won't be on anyone else's schedule... fully. No one is waiting for me to arrive and I will start working full time as soon as I get there so this is my chance.
Well, lets see where life takes me.

Another MARK RYDEN...

This is another Mark Ryden piece. It's only a portion :) just look at the beauty. Plus i always love red heads.

My brain sucks!

Friendship is an interesting thing. You can one day be close and the next day not even make eye contact with each other. My friend and i are living in an interesting situation and i don't know how it will end up. i wonder what i need to do to make it better. The only thing i can think is to leave. Leave the situation which maybe would lesson the stress. What makes me sad is that i had hoped this was when i would figure out my next move. i don't know where to go next. What had been discussed obviously is not going to appen, so how do i make the next step? i fooled myself into thinking it would work out and that i was prepared for anything but i was not. How do i get past the fact that plans fell through and move on? i am so mad at myself! Why did i get my hopes up? Why did i take the jump? i have a couple different ideas but i just don't know what i want. i know i don't want it to be so uncomfortable. i know i don't want to be bitchy. i know i don't want to lose my friendship. How do i save the friendship? How do i stay true to what I need but yet make my friend happy? Taking my friend out of the equation i would stay here for the rest of the summer like i had agreed. Putting my friend back into the equation i think he would be happier if i wasn't here. How sad is that? I'm not sure i had admitted that to myself completely.... sad. What was the purpose of me coming out here? What was his motives? Did he ever plan on following through with any of the plans we discussed? What did he think was going to happen? i never thought that we would be here this long, so i never prepared myself. i never thought of this situation being like this. i didn't prepare myself enough for the possibility of NOTHING coming through. Why cant i have a switch that i can turn the emotional part of my brain off. This would allow so much clarity. That's such a great idea! Maybe a dimmer switch... yah! i could have a different level depending on the situation. Just think about it. hmmm... a moment to think about how great that would be :) is that an unhealthy wish? :) haha! Anyway now that I've totally gone off a tangent. This entry is completly all over the place... sorry. i must go. Till later.

This is a painting by Mark Ryden. The title is "ROSE" and its from the series "BLOOD"... "miniature paintings of sorrow and fear." if you've ever picked up a copy of the magazine Juxtapose there is a decent chance you've seen his work. He has also done album covers for artists such as Red Hot Chili Peppers, Ringo Star, Butthole Surfers, Jack Off Jill and more. Born in Oregon in 1963 and raised in southern California where he still lives and works. California is where your most likely to see one of his exhibitions (see link on right). What i love is that he catches you off guard, which in these days i feel is hard to do. The eyes on his characters are so moving. The colors, the details, to fully see one of his paintings you must really take your time because there is so much to see. Please check him out :).

Beauty school?

Well I'm considering going to beauty school. The logical side of me thinks it is a great idea... with in a year i can be working and making great money. If i really like it i can open up my own salon and work for myself. If i don't like it, working in a salon can pay for other schooling. Either way i can start thinking about buying a house... which is what I've started to crave. When i talk about it to people they ask me if I've always wanted to be a stylist or if its my passion. This is where my dilemma comes in, the answer to both is no. i am one of the first people to tell someone to go for what they love... but what if what you love isn't reachable? Can my career just be there to pay for my passions? Can i be happy with that?