My brain sucks!

Friendship is an interesting thing. You can one day be close and the next day not even make eye contact with each other. My friend and i are living in an interesting situation and i don't know how it will end up. i wonder what i need to do to make it better. The only thing i can think is to leave. Leave the situation which maybe would lesson the stress. What makes me sad is that i had hoped this was when i would figure out my next move. i don't know where to go next. What had been discussed obviously is not going to appen, so how do i make the next step? i fooled myself into thinking it would work out and that i was prepared for anything but i was not. How do i get past the fact that plans fell through and move on? i am so mad at myself! Why did i get my hopes up? Why did i take the jump? i have a couple different ideas but i just don't know what i want. i know i don't want it to be so uncomfortable. i know i don't want to be bitchy. i know i don't want to lose my friendship. How do i save the friendship? How do i stay true to what I need but yet make my friend happy? Taking my friend out of the equation i would stay here for the rest of the summer like i had agreed. Putting my friend back into the equation i think he would be happier if i wasn't here. How sad is that? I'm not sure i had admitted that to myself completely.... sad. What was the purpose of me coming out here? What was his motives? Did he ever plan on following through with any of the plans we discussed? What did he think was going to happen? i never thought that we would be here this long, so i never prepared myself. i never thought of this situation being like this. i didn't prepare myself enough for the possibility of NOTHING coming through. Why cant i have a switch that i can turn the emotional part of my brain off. This would allow so much clarity. That's such a great idea! Maybe a dimmer switch... yah! i could have a different level depending on the situation. Just think about it. hmmm... a moment to think about how great that would be :) is that an unhealthy wish? :) haha! Anyway now that I've totally gone off a tangent. This entry is completly all over the place... sorry. i must go. Till later.