Where should I go from here?

Anchorage, Alaska, with a friend, for a couple months, save money and then...?
Santa Barbara, California, with a friend, for a few months, save money and then...?
Atlanta, Georgia, alone, and start school = a year?
Florida, alone, and start school = a year?
Stay somewhere here in Connecticut, alone, and start school = a year?
New Jersey, alone, and start school = a year?
New York, alone, and start school = a year?
Portland, with a friend... in town, and start school = a year?
What's affordable?
What do I want?
Aaahhhhh! I'm crazy!!

How do you decide?

i am really curious of how other people make decisions. I'm not sure i ever learned that. Logic completely depends on your current mind set and your mind set at the time your trying to make the decision. What is that about? Advice? You cant take advice from someone else because ultimately its your life and empathy only gets you so far. Plus its human nature to have bias or be jaded in some way that makes advice unreliable. Astrology? No. Enlightenment? Maybe, but considering it took buddha years, i don't think that helps right now. That's a marathon not a sprint. Who freakin' knows? What I'm waiting for is that moment you have when you take algebra... you know... the oh my! i get it moment. Your sitting there and suddenly everything flashes in front of your eyes and it all makes perfect sense. Why did it take me this long to get it? Hmmm... i love that feeling! I want that... me... why not me? (any Dane Cook fans out there? That's for you :) well babble babble.. I'm out. goodnight sleep tight :)

I'm calmer :)

Well i feel a bit better :) we will see how i feel when i wake up tomorrow but writing helped me calm down. Things will work out, i know this its just the initial freak out. I'm not kidding myself in thinking the panic is over but i can see some benefits. i wrote a bit and listened to a lot of music today... music is wonderful. i honestly cant understand people that don't listen to music. You know the people who cant remember the last cd they bought or have never seen a show. How do they live? Its amazing to me because i even get withdrawals if its been more than 6 months since I've been to a show. And that's for a big concert that doesn't count just seeing a band live. When you go to a concert it is total escape. As soon as you enter the gates you have nothing to do but enjoy. I need a show... that would be great. blah! blah! goodnight.

NIN

Just when needed you come across the perfect song....
oldschool NIN...

Piggy

hey pig
yeah you
hey pig piggy pig pig pig
all of my fears came true
black and blue and broken bones you left me here I'm all alone
my little piggy needed something new
nothing can stop me now
i don't care anymore
nothing can stop me now
i just don't care
hey pig
nothings turning out the way i planned
hey pig there's a lot of things i hoped you could help me understand
what am i supposed to do i lost my shit because of you
nothing can stop me now
i don't care anymore
nothing can stop me now
i just don't care
nothing can stop me now
you don't need me anymore

i love Trent Reznor ;)

Plans change...

So just as the title says, plans change. i know this should not have such negative feelings attached to it but right now it certainly does. Through my years I've come to understand that it usually ends up making sense but, when the initial fall out happens you just want to... SCREAM!!!!! I just want to be like what the FUCK? When is it going to work out? When is a plan going to come through? When is a friend going to follow through with.... anything? AHHHH!!! You know? So my suspicions have finally been confirmed. The "plan" that i was hoping on happening is not going to happen. I moved from California to Connecticut full of hope. When i made a friend that was searching for a new life , i thought, perfect so am i. :) yah! This could be great! So what's happening... well my friend is thinking about moving to California. Yes, i said cali. This is a watch what you wish for moment. i wanted a friend that wanted a life change like me... this is exactly what i got. haha! i move across country and so does he :) i almost have to laugh... almost :) so where am i now? Alone in a place i have no clue about. i know if anyone can do it, i can, but holy shit! i just need a couple days of panic. i will pull through but holy shit! haha! My instinct is to flee, but i cant do that to the other friends I've made here, which are his family (awkward much? :). i also don't want to lose my friend but my instinct is to completely bail. This is one of my personality traits I've been working on :) this is a test, just a test? I'm waiting for the siren to go off and it to be a real emergency. Biggest joke... flee to where? i certainly would not return to California and that is the only place I know anyone. The great part is that its a good kick in the pants. i was in need of one and here it is. Time for it to be all about me and time to prove to myself i can do it. What i need to figure out is what i want. See through all the panic. Do i want to live in New York because i like it or because I like the idea? I have always wanted to live in a real city. So should i give it a year? Maybe that's the idea? What's a year anyway? I've never experienced seasons... snow freaks me out :) who know? This week i will do a lot of thinking and soul searching... we'll see.

Feet and Friends...

Just one of the many reasons why my friends are cool. Semi recently I started taking pictures of my feet when I traveled. You know, a "here i am" , kind of way to capture a moment. It may seem weird but for some reason I really like it. So instead of laughing at me and telling me how stupid an idea it was, my friends joined in. How great are they? The three bare feet are Theresa, Sue and I, starting from the left, here in Connecticut. We were at a family member of darrin's, lake house on the dock. The boots are Darrin's feet after we did our "walking tour" of New York. We all met in Mississippi when we volunteered for the American Red Cross after hurricane Katrina (some day ill share some of those stories). We haven't all seen each other for about 7 1/2 months so it was awesome when they drove in Sunday. That night we went out to the lake, darrin BBQ'ed, and we sat up all night talking. The next day we jumped in the jeep, got breakfast at a cute little grill in town, then headed to the train station and went into New York. Darrin grew up in CT., so he was our tour guide, we walked for about 6 hours non-stop, seeing everything we could. It was the best day! We ended it eating outside at a restaurant overlooking the Brooklyn bridge... fire works and all. Exhausted, we took the train back to CT. and drove back out to the lake. The next day they headed for home, which was sad, but the visit was wonderful. I really needed a little kick in the pants and their visit was just that. Sometimes you forget how great an experience was and how much you care about the people you met along the way. I have met some of the best people in the last year... knowing them has truly changed my life. Here's my reminder to be a better friend and let them know that they really to touch my heart.

BITCH!!!

Sometimes I wish I could just allow myself to be a total... BITCH!!! You know those days where you could just rip someone apart?. ("is it just me?" ;) Today is a day I just want to be like... "shut the **** up, your an idiot!" or "this is what pisses me off about you..." or "your not as ***** as you think you are , so shut it!" (fill in the blanks) awful huh! Or maybe just stand in the middle of a room and scream as loud as I possibly can... that would be good. Of course, for many reasons I cannot, one major reason is that I'm basically living with my friends sister, her husband and three boys, ages 2 yrs and twins that are 7 months old. They are so wonderful and I can't believe that they invited me to stay here. (I basically am a "mother's helper" for trade.) Another reason is that I always try to be the mediator so when I loose it, it doesn't go over well. People are very shocked and i always feel guilty afterwards. I don't like losing control and I feel it shows too much weakness. (YES, I do know I'm not right :). The joke is that I just found out a couple friends that D. and I met in Mississippi are going to be in town so we are all going to New York. I have been wanting to see N.Y. since I got here so, I am thrilled but there is still this underlining BITCHINESS. I know it will pass :) As soon as I get to the city I will get a Starbucks, iced venti sugar-free vanilla soy caramel machiotto, and take in New York. It will be great, I love being in a big city. Wish me luck :)

Insomnia!

Well it's 4 a.m. and I'm awake. A smidge of insomnia :) Today I shared a little of my frustration with my friend, I'm sure it wasn't enough to really help him understand, but I feel a bit better. What I really need to do is figure out what it is exactly that I want and go for it.... easier said than done! :) I know it will all fall into place. I always do better when I don't over think things... haha! Plus, even though you cannot see the reasons behind things it doesn't mean it's not for the best. Anyway, before I get my brain going again I'm going to see if I can sleep. Goodnight!

If women ruled the world

If women ruled the world was the title of an email I received from my aunt. I'm not usually a big fan of forwards but these are hilarious. Not completely sure about the bowling alley one (I liked the colors :) but the other two are so true. Yes, I have used a butter knife as a screw driver and a shoe as a hammer. A shoe also makes a perfect fly swatter, door stop, etc. I've also used a mug for a hammer, staples in lieu of thread, nails and glue in place of screws, nail polish for paint and who hasn't used a eye liner or lipstick for a writing utensil. The toilet paper picture is classic also because every women has been in a public restroom and had to ask for toilet paper. This is part of the reason you can go into a restroom and come out having made a new friend. I personally have gained a hair dresser, a new perfume, hair supplies, tampons ;), mints/gum, a hot pair of shoes, clothing tips, make-up tips, and of course relationship advice. I've been a door where there wasn't one, saved women from lipstick on the teeth, walking out with their shirt tucked in the back of there pants and of course the classic dragging a train of toilet paper. I've held the hair back on a girl puking because her friend couldn't do it and yes even once I zipped someone's pants up for them (maybe twice?). Once at a concert the women's bathroom was flooded before the opening act even came out and so I rallied the troops and we headed for the men's bathroom. BORING! There isn't any couches or decorations and no ones chatting or laughing... even though the troughs are a hilarious set up. I'm always curious why there isn't more bonding... I mean for goodness sake your basically naked right next to each other... is that why? (My guy friends love when I ask these types of questions ;) So, here's to all the women out there... love yah! and see you in the bathroom :)

+

I am all over the place :)

Don't you hate it when you only have yourself to blame!

So I'm here in Connecticut... and things are not what was expected. The "plan" was,when discussed months ago, that my friend and I would travel around and decide where to live. When I say travel around I mean coast to coast. Both of us were looking to sort of start over and so I thought it would be great. We could be roommates and help each other along the way. I was so excited because I thought I finally found a friend that was adventurous and reliable. Just before I headed out here the tone started to change a little but by then it as too late. Now I've been here a month and I haven't even been to New York. Now, my friend is heading out to PA. to visit another friend of his and I'm staying in CT. A great thing that came up unexpectedly is that I'm staying with his sister and her husband in exchange for helping out with the kids, but I can't help feeling sad which turns to anger. Anger which can only be directed at myself for... wanting a friend to share the experience with, not speaking up more, letting the excitement take over and worst of all getting my hopes up. I should be happier at the thought of going it alone, but that's what I've been doing for a long time. I should of insisted on doing more things but I got caught up in the day to day activities around the house. Also, every time I was going to suggest things something came up. I really did try to not get my hopes up but I obviously failed miserably. Everyone has been telling me to trust more. "You give what you get"... , "If you don't give people a chance, then that's not fair to them"... blah!blah!blah! Where's the happy medium? I know I'm just feeling sorry for myself and I have a touch of cabin fever but aaahhh!!!!!! I just need to vent. I know it will all work out.
Directions: repeat to self 10 times before falling asleep... There's a reason for everything! Enjoy the journey, not just the destination! Also, think of at least two things you love about the people close to you.
P.S. Sorry about the pitty party :) I had to add a picture of Dave... :) He always makes me happy. (Note:This was taken at the Jazz fest in New Orleans)

LUNCH?

So... my friend and I went out to lunch the other day and this is what we sat by. We ate at the Rainforest Cafe. If you've never been, its kind of like being in the Tiki Room at Disneyland, but bigger animals. It's a rainforest theme... duh!?! I love anything over the top so it was great. On a regular schedule different animals come "alive". The lights start flashing, thunder sounds, rain falls and the elephants start moving and making noise. We've been kind of cooped up so it was perfect. It's so easy to find something a little cheesy and enjoy.

A moment of... ZEN.

I am having a hate/hate relationship with my computer right now. I only recently bought my own computer and today I want to throw it out a window :) It's one of those days when I remember why it took me so long to get one. I am just trying to set different things up and I swear it does what ever it feels like. Yes, I understand the whole... smarter than the machine thing, but for criminy sake... aaahhhhh! I LOVE my new digital camera and all the cool stuff I can do with my photos on the computer, but I can't even do the simplest things. It's 1:30am and my frustration level is so high that I needed to write a little to calm down. How sad? :) I just have to remember It's not conspiring against me and my genius friend will fix what ever I screw up. So here's my moment of... ZEN. Please repeat... tomorrow it will all be clear... Goodnight.