Back west...

Well first of all I cannot believe it has been so long since I wrote.
so the new plan is back to Cali...yes, back. Not permanently but to save $. Money blows! Since none of the plans came through I made a back up plan. You always have to have a back up plan :) so I will be moving back to California till November or December. I will be living with my mother (oh my god!) and working full time. During that time I will get all my school paperwork done so when I come back everything (ideally) will be in order. I will then have enough $ to live alone, yeah!, and go to school. I don't want to live with a stranger, been there done that it sucks! So I have a week to see the schools I'm considering and the apartments that I would most likely be able to afford. That way I can rent sight unseen and be set. I'm freakin' nuts! The good thing is that I'm pretty sure I will live and go to school here and I wanted to go back and get my stuff anyway. Its such a sad thought at 29 years old looking at living with a stranger not even with a bed... you know? To depressing. This way the place will be mine and I can walk around naked if I choose. I'm a person who needs my comfort... I want all my pictures and clothes, etc. I will be going to school 30 hours a week and working probably the same so I will need my peace at home. So the mission is to by January 1, 2007 I will have completely relocated to Connecticut and started school. By the time I turn 30, which is march 2007, I will be able to see the light at end of the tunnel. Fingers crossed.
goals by Jan. 2007:
save $3000
move fully to CT.
have my own place
be in school
drop 30 pounds...W.W. and gym
and feel more secure with myself... more might be added?
Anyway, in less than a week I will again be hitting the road.
This time I will enjoy myself more. I might do route 66? I'm going to plan it better so I can see places along the way. I've always wanted to do a good roadtrip and this is my chance. I've got my camera and some maps... what all cool stuff is out there?
I might give myself two weeks... we'll see. I really want to see a bunch of weird roadside sights... you know like the largest ball of yarn and all that. That is what I am doing today... mapping out my route.
It will be good! This is the first time I won't be on anyone else's schedule... fully. No one is waiting for me to arrive and I will start working full time as soon as I get there so this is my chance.
Well, lets see where life takes me.

Another MARK RYDEN...

This is another Mark Ryden piece. It's only a portion :) just look at the beauty. Plus i always love red heads.

My brain sucks!

Friendship is an interesting thing. You can one day be close and the next day not even make eye contact with each other. My friend and i are living in an interesting situation and i don't know how it will end up. i wonder what i need to do to make it better. The only thing i can think is to leave. Leave the situation which maybe would lesson the stress. What makes me sad is that i had hoped this was when i would figure out my next move. i don't know where to go next. What had been discussed obviously is not going to appen, so how do i make the next step? i fooled myself into thinking it would work out and that i was prepared for anything but i was not. How do i get past the fact that plans fell through and move on? i am so mad at myself! Why did i get my hopes up? Why did i take the jump? i have a couple different ideas but i just don't know what i want. i know i don't want it to be so uncomfortable. i know i don't want to be bitchy. i know i don't want to lose my friendship. How do i save the friendship? How do i stay true to what I need but yet make my friend happy? Taking my friend out of the equation i would stay here for the rest of the summer like i had agreed. Putting my friend back into the equation i think he would be happier if i wasn't here. How sad is that? I'm not sure i had admitted that to myself completely.... sad. What was the purpose of me coming out here? What was his motives? Did he ever plan on following through with any of the plans we discussed? What did he think was going to happen? i never thought that we would be here this long, so i never prepared myself. i never thought of this situation being like this. i didn't prepare myself enough for the possibility of NOTHING coming through. Why cant i have a switch that i can turn the emotional part of my brain off. This would allow so much clarity. That's such a great idea! Maybe a dimmer switch... yah! i could have a different level depending on the situation. Just think about it. hmmm... a moment to think about how great that would be :) is that an unhealthy wish? :) haha! Anyway now that I've totally gone off a tangent. This entry is completly all over the place... sorry. i must go. Till later.

This is a painting by Mark Ryden. The title is "ROSE" and its from the series "BLOOD"... "miniature paintings of sorrow and fear." if you've ever picked up a copy of the magazine Juxtapose there is a decent chance you've seen his work. He has also done album covers for artists such as Red Hot Chili Peppers, Ringo Star, Butthole Surfers, Jack Off Jill and more. Born in Oregon in 1963 and raised in southern California where he still lives and works. California is where your most likely to see one of his exhibitions (see link on right). What i love is that he catches you off guard, which in these days i feel is hard to do. The eyes on his characters are so moving. The colors, the details, to fully see one of his paintings you must really take your time because there is so much to see. Please check him out :).

Beauty school?

Well I'm considering going to beauty school. The logical side of me thinks it is a great idea... with in a year i can be working and making great money. If i really like it i can open up my own salon and work for myself. If i don't like it, working in a salon can pay for other schooling. Either way i can start thinking about buying a house... which is what I've started to crave. When i talk about it to people they ask me if I've always wanted to be a stylist or if its my passion. This is where my dilemma comes in, the answer to both is no. i am one of the first people to tell someone to go for what they love... but what if what you love isn't reachable? Can my career just be there to pay for my passions? Can i be happy with that?

Where should I go from here?

Anchorage, Alaska, with a friend, for a couple months, save money and then...?
Santa Barbara, California, with a friend, for a few months, save money and then...?
Atlanta, Georgia, alone, and start school = a year?
Florida, alone, and start school = a year?
Stay somewhere here in Connecticut, alone, and start school = a year?
New Jersey, alone, and start school = a year?
New York, alone, and start school = a year?
Portland, with a friend... in town, and start school = a year?
What's affordable?
What do I want?
Aaahhhhh! I'm crazy!!

How do you decide?

i am really curious of how other people make decisions. I'm not sure i ever learned that. Logic completely depends on your current mind set and your mind set at the time your trying to make the decision. What is that about? Advice? You cant take advice from someone else because ultimately its your life and empathy only gets you so far. Plus its human nature to have bias or be jaded in some way that makes advice unreliable. Astrology? No. Enlightenment? Maybe, but considering it took buddha years, i don't think that helps right now. That's a marathon not a sprint. Who freakin' knows? What I'm waiting for is that moment you have when you take algebra... you know... the oh my! i get it moment. Your sitting there and suddenly everything flashes in front of your eyes and it all makes perfect sense. Why did it take me this long to get it? Hmmm... i love that feeling! I want that... me... why not me? (any Dane Cook fans out there? That's for you :) well babble babble.. I'm out. goodnight sleep tight :)

I'm calmer :)

Well i feel a bit better :) we will see how i feel when i wake up tomorrow but writing helped me calm down. Things will work out, i know this its just the initial freak out. I'm not kidding myself in thinking the panic is over but i can see some benefits. i wrote a bit and listened to a lot of music today... music is wonderful. i honestly cant understand people that don't listen to music. You know the people who cant remember the last cd they bought or have never seen a show. How do they live? Its amazing to me because i even get withdrawals if its been more than 6 months since I've been to a show. And that's for a big concert that doesn't count just seeing a band live. When you go to a concert it is total escape. As soon as you enter the gates you have nothing to do but enjoy. I need a show... that would be great. blah! blah! goodnight.

NIN

Just when needed you come across the perfect song....
oldschool NIN...

Piggy

hey pig
yeah you
hey pig piggy pig pig pig
all of my fears came true
black and blue and broken bones you left me here I'm all alone
my little piggy needed something new
nothing can stop me now
i don't care anymore
nothing can stop me now
i just don't care
hey pig
nothings turning out the way i planned
hey pig there's a lot of things i hoped you could help me understand
what am i supposed to do i lost my shit because of you
nothing can stop me now
i don't care anymore
nothing can stop me now
i just don't care
nothing can stop me now
you don't need me anymore

i love Trent Reznor ;)

Plans change...

So just as the title says, plans change. i know this should not have such negative feelings attached to it but right now it certainly does. Through my years I've come to understand that it usually ends up making sense but, when the initial fall out happens you just want to... SCREAM!!!!! I just want to be like what the FUCK? When is it going to work out? When is a plan going to come through? When is a friend going to follow through with.... anything? AHHHH!!! You know? So my suspicions have finally been confirmed. The "plan" that i was hoping on happening is not going to happen. I moved from California to Connecticut full of hope. When i made a friend that was searching for a new life , i thought, perfect so am i. :) yah! This could be great! So what's happening... well my friend is thinking about moving to California. Yes, i said cali. This is a watch what you wish for moment. i wanted a friend that wanted a life change like me... this is exactly what i got. haha! i move across country and so does he :) i almost have to laugh... almost :) so where am i now? Alone in a place i have no clue about. i know if anyone can do it, i can, but holy shit! i just need a couple days of panic. i will pull through but holy shit! haha! My instinct is to flee, but i cant do that to the other friends I've made here, which are his family (awkward much? :). i also don't want to lose my friend but my instinct is to completely bail. This is one of my personality traits I've been working on :) this is a test, just a test? I'm waiting for the siren to go off and it to be a real emergency. Biggest joke... flee to where? i certainly would not return to California and that is the only place I know anyone. The great part is that its a good kick in the pants. i was in need of one and here it is. Time for it to be all about me and time to prove to myself i can do it. What i need to figure out is what i want. See through all the panic. Do i want to live in New York because i like it or because I like the idea? I have always wanted to live in a real city. So should i give it a year? Maybe that's the idea? What's a year anyway? I've never experienced seasons... snow freaks me out :) who know? This week i will do a lot of thinking and soul searching... we'll see.

Feet and Friends...

Just one of the many reasons why my friends are cool. Semi recently I started taking pictures of my feet when I traveled. You know, a "here i am" , kind of way to capture a moment. It may seem weird but for some reason I really like it. So instead of laughing at me and telling me how stupid an idea it was, my friends joined in. How great are they? The three bare feet are Theresa, Sue and I, starting from the left, here in Connecticut. We were at a family member of darrin's, lake house on the dock. The boots are Darrin's feet after we did our "walking tour" of New York. We all met in Mississippi when we volunteered for the American Red Cross after hurricane Katrina (some day ill share some of those stories). We haven't all seen each other for about 7 1/2 months so it was awesome when they drove in Sunday. That night we went out to the lake, darrin BBQ'ed, and we sat up all night talking. The next day we jumped in the jeep, got breakfast at a cute little grill in town, then headed to the train station and went into New York. Darrin grew up in CT., so he was our tour guide, we walked for about 6 hours non-stop, seeing everything we could. It was the best day! We ended it eating outside at a restaurant overlooking the Brooklyn bridge... fire works and all. Exhausted, we took the train back to CT. and drove back out to the lake. The next day they headed for home, which was sad, but the visit was wonderful. I really needed a little kick in the pants and their visit was just that. Sometimes you forget how great an experience was and how much you care about the people you met along the way. I have met some of the best people in the last year... knowing them has truly changed my life. Here's my reminder to be a better friend and let them know that they really to touch my heart.

BITCH!!!

Sometimes I wish I could just allow myself to be a total... BITCH!!! You know those days where you could just rip someone apart?. ("is it just me?" ;) Today is a day I just want to be like... "shut the **** up, your an idiot!" or "this is what pisses me off about you..." or "your not as ***** as you think you are , so shut it!" (fill in the blanks) awful huh! Or maybe just stand in the middle of a room and scream as loud as I possibly can... that would be good. Of course, for many reasons I cannot, one major reason is that I'm basically living with my friends sister, her husband and three boys, ages 2 yrs and twins that are 7 months old. They are so wonderful and I can't believe that they invited me to stay here. (I basically am a "mother's helper" for trade.) Another reason is that I always try to be the mediator so when I loose it, it doesn't go over well. People are very shocked and i always feel guilty afterwards. I don't like losing control and I feel it shows too much weakness. (YES, I do know I'm not right :). The joke is that I just found out a couple friends that D. and I met in Mississippi are going to be in town so we are all going to New York. I have been wanting to see N.Y. since I got here so, I am thrilled but there is still this underlining BITCHINESS. I know it will pass :) As soon as I get to the city I will get a Starbucks, iced venti sugar-free vanilla soy caramel machiotto, and take in New York. It will be great, I love being in a big city. Wish me luck :)

Insomnia!

Well it's 4 a.m. and I'm awake. A smidge of insomnia :) Today I shared a little of my frustration with my friend, I'm sure it wasn't enough to really help him understand, but I feel a bit better. What I really need to do is figure out what it is exactly that I want and go for it.... easier said than done! :) I know it will all fall into place. I always do better when I don't over think things... haha! Plus, even though you cannot see the reasons behind things it doesn't mean it's not for the best. Anyway, before I get my brain going again I'm going to see if I can sleep. Goodnight!

If women ruled the world

If women ruled the world was the title of an email I received from my aunt. I'm not usually a big fan of forwards but these are hilarious. Not completely sure about the bowling alley one (I liked the colors :) but the other two are so true. Yes, I have used a butter knife as a screw driver and a shoe as a hammer. A shoe also makes a perfect fly swatter, door stop, etc. I've also used a mug for a hammer, staples in lieu of thread, nails and glue in place of screws, nail polish for paint and who hasn't used a eye liner or lipstick for a writing utensil. The toilet paper picture is classic also because every women has been in a public restroom and had to ask for toilet paper. This is part of the reason you can go into a restroom and come out having made a new friend. I personally have gained a hair dresser, a new perfume, hair supplies, tampons ;), mints/gum, a hot pair of shoes, clothing tips, make-up tips, and of course relationship advice. I've been a door where there wasn't one, saved women from lipstick on the teeth, walking out with their shirt tucked in the back of there pants and of course the classic dragging a train of toilet paper. I've held the hair back on a girl puking because her friend couldn't do it and yes even once I zipped someone's pants up for them (maybe twice?). Once at a concert the women's bathroom was flooded before the opening act even came out and so I rallied the troops and we headed for the men's bathroom. BORING! There isn't any couches or decorations and no ones chatting or laughing... even though the troughs are a hilarious set up. I'm always curious why there isn't more bonding... I mean for goodness sake your basically naked right next to each other... is that why? (My guy friends love when I ask these types of questions ;) So, here's to all the women out there... love yah! and see you in the bathroom :)

+

I am all over the place :)

Don't you hate it when you only have yourself to blame!

So I'm here in Connecticut... and things are not what was expected. The "plan" was,when discussed months ago, that my friend and I would travel around and decide where to live. When I say travel around I mean coast to coast. Both of us were looking to sort of start over and so I thought it would be great. We could be roommates and help each other along the way. I was so excited because I thought I finally found a friend that was adventurous and reliable. Just before I headed out here the tone started to change a little but by then it as too late. Now I've been here a month and I haven't even been to New York. Now, my friend is heading out to PA. to visit another friend of his and I'm staying in CT. A great thing that came up unexpectedly is that I'm staying with his sister and her husband in exchange for helping out with the kids, but I can't help feeling sad which turns to anger. Anger which can only be directed at myself for... wanting a friend to share the experience with, not speaking up more, letting the excitement take over and worst of all getting my hopes up. I should be happier at the thought of going it alone, but that's what I've been doing for a long time. I should of insisted on doing more things but I got caught up in the day to day activities around the house. Also, every time I was going to suggest things something came up. I really did try to not get my hopes up but I obviously failed miserably. Everyone has been telling me to trust more. "You give what you get"... , "If you don't give people a chance, then that's not fair to them"... blah!blah!blah! Where's the happy medium? I know I'm just feeling sorry for myself and I have a touch of cabin fever but aaahhh!!!!!! I just need to vent. I know it will all work out.
Directions: repeat to self 10 times before falling asleep... There's a reason for everything! Enjoy the journey, not just the destination! Also, think of at least two things you love about the people close to you.
P.S. Sorry about the pitty party :) I had to add a picture of Dave... :) He always makes me happy. (Note:This was taken at the Jazz fest in New Orleans)

LUNCH?

So... my friend and I went out to lunch the other day and this is what we sat by. We ate at the Rainforest Cafe. If you've never been, its kind of like being in the Tiki Room at Disneyland, but bigger animals. It's a rainforest theme... duh!?! I love anything over the top so it was great. On a regular schedule different animals come "alive". The lights start flashing, thunder sounds, rain falls and the elephants start moving and making noise. We've been kind of cooped up so it was perfect. It's so easy to find something a little cheesy and enjoy.

A moment of... ZEN.

I am having a hate/hate relationship with my computer right now. I only recently bought my own computer and today I want to throw it out a window :) It's one of those days when I remember why it took me so long to get one. I am just trying to set different things up and I swear it does what ever it feels like. Yes, I understand the whole... smarter than the machine thing, but for criminy sake... aaahhhhh! I LOVE my new digital camera and all the cool stuff I can do with my photos on the computer, but I can't even do the simplest things. It's 1:30am and my frustration level is so high that I needed to write a little to calm down. How sad? :) I just have to remember It's not conspiring against me and my genius friend will fix what ever I screw up. So here's my moment of... ZEN. Please repeat... tomorrow it will all be clear... Goodnight.

Look very close... :)

day 10... somewhere between Boonville, Missouri and Zanesville, Ohio (I drove about 18 hours this day :) I stopped to get a couple CD's, Avenged Sevenfold and Dane Cook, when I came across this "store". OK, maybe it's because I grew up in a beach community in California, but does this seem strange to anyone? Look close. The first thing that caught my eye was the gun signs, which I am not used to, but then what really struck me was the items for sale on the grass. I can get weaponry and pick up a baby stroller all at one convenient location. It's even called progress parkway plaza (progress? plaza?). It could just be my sense of humor but I think the whole thing is hilarious.

The Zoo

Day six through nine of my trip across country was spent in Denver, Colorado with my friend Ralphenia from Alaska. This is one of my favorite pictures from my trip because we are laughing so hard. We were outside the Denver zoo about to go in and we had a couple of guys take our picture. How many people do you know that will gladly go to the zoo with you? Ralphenia and I met while volunteering for the American red cross in Mississippi after hurricane katrina (I will go into more detail later :). Ral's the friend you call when you've blindly jumped into another life altering experience and the panic has set in. Or, the friend your not embarrassed to admit to that your having an extreme girlie melt down over some idiot... ladies, you know what I mean. There's never a hidden giggle or I told you so, only praise and encouragement. The picture shows it best...we had a blast in Denver. We went to the zoo, saw a comedy show, got lost, drank a little and laughed a lot. It was a great girls weekend.

Being a kid forever

my friend and I have been staying with his sister and her husband in Connecticut. This is their eldest son Timmy. Today he turned two years old. I have grown to just adore him and his brothers Liam and Patrick, who are 6 month old twin boys. (yes, it is a house full :) this is my first real day to day, hands on experience with children and it's been great. To see the sheer joy and amazement on there faces has been an eye opener. The last picture of Timmy was a day we all went to the park and if I remember right, Timmy has seen a bird. A bird... he was mesmerized. That same day we walked around the pond in the park and talked to bullfrogs. A reminder to stop, enjoy and don't take yourself too seriously. I try and remind myself of these things but it's easy to lose site. So here are some things that will help me... day dream out the window, swing, watch cartoons, play with toys, gather with friends and serve cupcakes, play in the rain, talk to people while upside down, try new foods, hug my friends and family, laugh so hard my feet fly straight in the air and be curious for life. Cheers to being a kid at heart forever.

My Dylan

I figured since I mentioned my friend Dylan I would talk a little about him. This is him :) We met about 7 years ago when I was working at his fathers restaurant. He moved to the beach to help out with the business and we made quick friends. It's always hard to find someone that is a real free spirit and up for any adventure so when we met it was an instant connection. I'm pretty sure we hadn't even been friends a month when I invited him to go to Mexico with a couple of friends and I. At that time my friends and I would go to Mexico often because one of them had a condo that we stayed at for free. Him and I ended up leaving for Mexico earlier than anyone else and by the time we drove the 5 1/2 hours we were so comfortable that we stayed in the same room even though we were in a three bedroom, two story condo. Cut to years later and even though both of our lives have changes enormously we are still really close. He is one of 6 people and my only friend that I tell I love. When my grandmother died he's the only person I would talk to about it. I thought I was doing fine then suddenly a couple days after the funeral I called him sobbing, which I am not a crier, and all I could say was that I needed him. The very next day he packed a bag and rode the train up to be with me. That is just how he is. Through all the life changes he's helped me stay grounded and is always there with praise and reassurance. When he tells me I can do something I actually believe him. The one person that has never looked at me like I'm a little crazy :) He's always allowed me to be myself and encouraged my dreams. So this entry is for Dylan... my only hope is that I can be even a percentage of a friend that he is to me. I love my friend with all my heart.

Day Six...

Day six of my trip... somewhere in Utah. This shot was taken out of my sunroof while driving through a tunnel. I really like the feel of the picture plus I think its funny how you can see the bugs on my car. This portion of the drive between Arizona and Utah was just beautiful. The colors were so amazing. I kept having to remind myself where I was and that it was all real.
when I started out of ca., after visiting my friend Dylan in Santa Barbara, I thought the drive to Denver, co. was going to take me about 15hours. In reality it took me closer to 25hours... :) I stopped more than usual (starbucks) and I took 58 out of ca... which I don't recommend doing at night... beautiful but slow and scary. The good thing was I decided in the beginning of my trip that it was not going to be a race so at no point was I stressed. I had the windows down, sunroof open, music blaring and sang the whole way (only because there was no one else in the car to cause physical and emotional scars :). Every night after I checked into a hotel I would email or call my friend so someone knew where I was... I thought that would be a good idea :). Ok... I'm going to stop a little blunt here because my friend is talking to me and I cannot think. ahhh! Sometimes I miss being on the road alone ;) ...kidding love my friends.

aaahhhh!!!

Totally random comment... sometimes friends drive me crazy... :) I love my friends but sometimes I just want to strangle them... kidding of course. It seems to be a constant balancing act of give and take... but the problem is it doesn't always seem to be an equal trade. I'm sure a big part of it is perception, because no matter how we try to have empathy and put ourselves in other people's shoes we still are confined to our own head. The fact that we must interpret the "reality" of a situation in itself taints the outcome because we can only truly pull from our life experiences and what we took from those experiences. I've had this conversation with a friend and he told me that this is a pessimistic way of looking at people/life, but I think it is more about understanding that there is truly no such thing as perfection. Which to me is something we must stop searching for in order to truly appreciate each other and in turn ourselves, because that is the beauty of us... We are flawed. That's what makes us interesting and individual. WHAT DO YOU THINK?

Alone...

Day five of my trip... somewhere in Arizona. I could see this small little beach from the road and decided it was time to take a pause. I put my $2 in the honor box and parked my car. There wasn't a person in sight... it was wonderful. As I stood there in the sand and listened to the water rushing by it really hit me... I was alone. Not alone in a bad way but in an empowering way. At that moment I was so proud of myself. I took this photo to remember that feeling because I knew there was going to be moments of self doubt. I love this photo... I will always love this photo.

Just Me

Santa Barbara, ca... My first stop. I, a life long Californian, am finally leaving. It's been my dream for a while to leave and the time has come. Many things have prompted this final jump, which I will surely cover later, but for now what matters is I'm going. My itinerary consists of meeting a friend in Denver, Co., who is in from Alaska (yes, I said Alaska) and then meeting a friend in Connecticut... from there, who knows? It's scary but what would be worse is never giving myself a chance. A chance to see what is out there for me. A chance to really find MYself, MY strength, MY passion, MY place. So at 29 the car is packed, cd's within reach and so many maps one would think it impossible to get lost... one would think.

Hello!

Well hello!

As this is my first attempt at blogging please be patient :)
I haven't yet decided how comfortable I am with sharing.
Sharing is something I learned as a child and as I headed through life I thought I was finished with that lesson. Then one day it hit me... sharing isn't all about taking turns on the swing set, which sucks because I am so good at that, but rather a test in trust. Do I trust this person with my thoughts? my weaknesses? my heart?
So for me this blog will be exactly that... a test. I will push my comfort level and see if I really did learn how to share.